I Can See Again
my vision is blurred
colors blend together
stuck together
opaque, unclear
i trip
i fall --
every movement
jumps
blinks
flinches
my vision is clouded
black becomes brown
green becomes yellow
thin, black lines on paper
appear blank…
blank…
blank…
white..
.
.
.
.
…
someone notices
my trips, my falls, my clumsiness
holds out hand
grasps it tight
and pulls me up
I can see again.
It is clear.
No longer does my paper appear blank.
Rather, precise lines are interwoven on the paper.
There are a million different shades.
Thousands of the same color.
Color.
I can define it.
I can touch it.
I can feel it.
It reaches out and I…
I…
I can see.
Edit: I've changed the second to last full stanza.
7 comments:
Your flow seems a lot smoother, by eliminating a couple words. 'flinches' is definitely a stronger word. i like that a lot.
my paper shows precise lines
spider webbed across the page... or something?
--holds out a hand
grasps it tight
definitely improved, that portion was a little confusing in your previous version
also-- love the format
oh goodness, this is fantastic.
it shows, baby!
=]
i noticed that you've added stronger words, and added more to make it clearer.
excellent work.
"My paper shows precise lines
as they appear webbed throughout the paper." Maybe 'Lines appear webbed, interwoven into my paper.' I liked how you stayed with the original thought of simple lines to portray complex idea's. I noticed that you changed the formate of your poem to more staggered, I like how it seems to portray the feeling of not knowing where you're looking. It really emphasizes the feeling of the poem.
I absolutely love the format.
Like the beginning I can picture somebody falling and their thoughts are just as choppy as how you wrote them.
And then when they get back up, everything is fine.
Your writing really refects all this.
And the wording is great
very very good (:
The format change fits really nicely with your message. You've also chosen strong words in parts that needed it. But the fact that you switched to lines when you realized you can see again after the other format was really, really, an awesome change.
i'm not going to lie.
i really like how you
wrote your poems differently
by showing and having your own flows. keep it up =)
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